I glanced at Nkem from a distance and smiled. Yes, I smiled. I smiled not because I was content but because it was what I did when I was deeply hurt. I was hurt, badly and I shook my head slowly from side-to-side. I stood up from the stool and looked into the sky as though I would get answers...the sun had begun to set.
I watched 2 dogs chase each other across the yard. The bigger one which I perceived was the male chased behind the female, sniffed around her and with gentle simultaneous strides and wagging tails; both ran slowly before stopping to play on the sand.
Tears trickled from my face. I watched how peacefully they lay on the sand, occasionally biting and running after each other before stopping to rest again.
I remembered it vividly, the thoughts never ceased to flood my memory. It was yesterday morning.
*************************
"Ezinne, Chai!... you wan sleep for Olympics?", I had teased that morning. I watched her slightly beam a sleepy smile from the bed.
"You no know sey na 2 people I dey sleep for?” Ezinne replied with a soft tap on my leg. She was sitting up now with one hand rubbing her bulgy tummy while the other hand slid backwards on the bed to support her weight. I sat by my pregnant wife.
We lived in a Room and Parlour which was a little burden for a Security man like me at Crystal Associates Limited. With my stipend of =N=11,000 a month, we could afford to pay the monthly rent.
I had mastered the art of soaking garri. One thing I learnt as a child was never to underestimate the power of those little yellowish brown fried groundnuts gracefully floating on the surface of the water. When you now combined it with sugar which we bought once a while in 'Congo' bowls, that is what we jokingly called a 3-course meal. Garri-Sugar-Groundnut: a complete recipe.
"Nne, they said I should check today again", I told her. My salary of last 2 months was to be paid.
"I hope they pay...*hiss*...those good-for-nothings", Ezinne hissed again as she made her way outside the room to brush her teeth.
Ezinne was 8 months heavy and I never left her alone at home like before except for urgent matters like this.
I could remember when she told me about our new arrival Nkem -meaning 'my own'- 6 months ago. We walked 10 houses away where they sold rice and celebrated. We drank 'Dr Pepper' too and I remember carrying Nne on my back and running towards home before falling down to the ground. 4 and half decades is enough to wear your bones out. I snatched her scarf and started running again but Energetic Ezinne was too much for me. She caught up immediately and pinched me till I started screaming and laughing like a child.
Once in while we quarreled but it never got outside our home. We both understood boundaries.
*****************************
The 2 dogs were now asleep, curled beside each other. I knew what they were doing. The night was cold. They were sharing warmth.
I have none to share mine with. It had come to this. I picked up Nkem from the mat and headed inside.
Tomorrow I will drop Nkem with the neighbours. I will hang myself. The government has failed me.
*****************************
Ezinne had returned from the bathroom we all shared in the compound. I marvelled at how big her tummy was. It was our 1st, hence my fascination. I segued into our previous discussion while checking for my slippers under the bed.
"I'll just go and see what they have to say", I continued
"I will follow you o, its boring sitting behind alone", she insisted.
I allowed Ezinne to sleep in the room for months now, while I slept on our only 3-seater in the parlour. I wanted her to be comfortable in this condition.
Ezinne was a bit short with caramel skin. Her small, fine lips were a pointer to the fact that she must have caused a riot among the village boys while she was younger. To me, it was ineluctable.
****************************
I stared at Nkem curled gently in a shawl.
If I hang myself, I would deny Nkem the right to experience fatherhood. No, she would adapt. She wouldn't. She would.
As thoughts fought for prominence in my head I still recalled how it all happened yesterday.
Had I known I shouldn’t have allowed Ezinne follow me. I shouldn't have allowed her. Or I should have waited to die with her.
But instead I left her.
****************************
The worst thing in life is to watch your loved one die in your presence.
I and Ezinne had left home that day. Luckily we had collected only a month's pay from Crystal Associates. It was something, yet nothing now.
I had watched one tyre of the speeding vehicle removed by the porthole. The portholes our government refused to fill. Their pockets were preferrable.
Who do I blame? The reckless driver who bribed his way through to get a License? The one who knocked my Ezinne down.
The one whose vehicle tyre was lost alongside my queen. The one who swerved uncontrollably as I dashed to safety leaving Nne's hand.
I was selfish. I should have waited for him to hit us both.
Who do I blame? The government or the Driver?
Who do I blame? My selfish self? Who? WHO!
They call the shots on behalf of us masses like they are for us. They can't feel my pain right now. They can't feel yours. I hope they do someday. They made me lose something. They made you lose everything.
Ezinne didn’t make it to the hospital but Nkem was safely removed by CS.
I stared at the loose knot hanging from the still ceiling fan. There's no cause to live. My government has failed.
*******************************************
The fading sound of a whistle sounded in the distance. The smaller female dog immediately jumped up while the male lay there; ears erect. The owner was calling. They had once cuddled on the sand but now the owner made his call. His call was final.
At that instant, Nkem sneezed. I glanced at her from the stool I stood on, knotted rope waiting to grace my neck.
She sneezed again and cried. She needed something.
I needed something...nothing.
Yet I reason again. I'm alive for a reason. Ezinne is gone but Nkem is here.
Nkem...My Own.
Nkem is my hope. Nkem is my dream. Nkem is my future. I will nurture her!
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